By Danielle Lobito
I actually died and resurrected after seven days in a coma. Some online commentators said that I should show them my death certificate to prove it. These Naija people are wicked o. I survived and now they want me dead again. Death certificate ko death certificate ni! They don’t even pity me. So, they think only those that are frozen in the mortuary are classified as dead people. O Lord!
I went to heaven. It was a nice place but I did not see cow leg, orisirisi, turkey, lamb or fresh fish pepper soup there with vodka to ‘wash’ it down; so I decided to return to earth. I was forced to fast there for seven days. I don’t think it was heaven, maybe it was hell after all. I was not a First Lady there either. I don’t want to go back there. God gave me another chance to live and chop more freebies at Aso Rock Presidential Villa. That’s why my new mobile phone ringtone is 'Elijah' by Danny Young.
I was dead for 7 days – Patience Jonathan
Valentine’s Day, I spent the day with my favourite association, the widows, as a popular 'member'. Afro Mum is not a member but she told me to help the widows’ to form a life, pension and investment company through the generous aid of the Central Bank of Nigeria like the Scottish Widows Bank in the UK. Afro Mum suggested that we should call it Nigerian Widows Bank. No way!
I think I will name it Okrika Widows Bank. Anybody can say I am greedy. I don’t care. Life is not fair. I cannot name it Yoruba, Igbo or Hausa Widows Bank because we have about 250 ethnic groups in Nigeria. The people of Okrika will be proud of me. They won’t have to sell second hand clothes aka Okrika anymore. Okrika clothes are as popular as Ghana Must Go bags. It is a bad image for my people. Dem go say I be powerful First lady now ooo.
Afro Mum thinks the National Assembly and the Presidency should create a Ministry of Northern Affairs. Is it because Sokoto is one of the poorest states in Nigeria? When the Northerners were siphoning our oil revenue from the Niger Delta in order to build Abuja, they did not remember to create Ministry of Northern Affairs. There is no need until the Ministry of Niger Delta Affairs; the only region to have a ministry has gulped the same amount used to erect Abuja. Would the Nigbati people not ask for a Ministry of Amala Affairs with ewedu and bush meat? Wouldn't they?
What would be the point in the Northern region where nine female polio vaccinators were gunned down in order to stop them from giving polio vaccines to children? We don’t want more wahala ooo! What they need is free education so that they can be objective and not believe rumour mongers. If they are scared that Western medication is programmed to stop fertility they would be able to contact Islamic countries through the Organisation of Islamic Cooperation (OIC) for alternative medication and stop killing innocent people. Nigeria is a member of OIC.
Nigeria polio vaccinators shot dead in Kano
Sokoto, Katsina Top List Of Poor States
I am the funniest woman in Naija. I doled out rib-cracking speeches for years yet nobody bothered to award me the title of 1st Comedienne of the Nation. The Minister of Information has engaged in town hall visits and meetings across Nigeria. I want to practice comedy by touring with Naija comedians. Nobody can beat my ‘childrens’ and widow jokes. I hope to be at the annual Crack Ya Ribs show in London starring Julius D’Genius Agwu, I-go-die and Gordons etc. I would also love to go on stage with comedienne Princess Dammy. I want people to laugh away their sorrow since my 'widower' is a bad President. Thank you!
Nigerian pop star Iyanya is a sex symbol. In 2012, Redsheet magazine called Iyanya the sexiest man alive. He is a young man enjoying his life with a good music career. In the song titled ‘Ur Waist’, he mentioned three beautiful girls in the Nigerian and Ghanaian entertainment industries. Fast guy! Iyanya has dated two of them. He could not date the first one because she is currently engaged. Iyanya!! That he broke the heart of Ghanaian actress Yvonne Nelson is stale news. She was ready to marry Iyanya-the-player until she found out that he was two-timing her with Nigerian actress Tonto Dikeh. Joke: If you are dating a guy like Iyanya you cannot afford to fall in love until he does.
Iyanya Dumps Yvonne Nelson, Her For Tonto Dikeh?
Iyanya Is The Sexiest Man Alive! – Redsheet Magazine
‘I will marry Iyanya if he proposes’ – actress Yvonne Nelson
Fans Angry At Iyanya For Dumping Yvonne Nelson For Tonto Dike
