Telephone Conversation: ‘Tewonde Special’

*Tewonde is the latest name formed by another online commentator, in the ex-convict saga. Tewonde means a newly released prisoner or ex-convict in Yoruba.

Baba: Halo Halo.

Eko Beauty: H-e-l-l-o.

Baba: Can I speak with Tewonde?

Eko Beauty: Who is speaking? There is no Tewonde here. Maybe you have the wrong number.

Baba: Let me talk with him.

Eko Beauty: Is that not Baba Heeyabor?

Baba: You are now talking. Call him for me now jo! Make it snappy.

Eko Beauty: Hold on sir!

…After a few minutes.

Eko Boy: Halo Halo. Baba O! Baba O! how are you?

Baba: Listen and listen properly. Igi imu jina sori o! (I am not your age-mate.)

Eko Boy: Baba kilode now? (Baba what is wrong now?) Are we quarrelling?

Baba: Tewonde, Tewonde, Tewonde! How many times did I call you!

Eko Boy: I won’t answer that question. Baba Heeyabor, what have I done wrong? I am not the first and last person to go to prison. Owo epo ni omo araye ma n banila wo kin banila ti eje. (People will rally round you when you are rich or famous but abandon you as soon as you have problems.) Anybody that has returned from prison is Tewonde.

Baba: Am I your age-mate? I was a prisoner of conscience and not a rogue. Your goons had the effrontery to compare me with you. You compared yourself with Madiba and Papa but they were not robbers. Have you not 'defamed' their characters?

Eko Boy: Have I robbed anybody? Why was the loot not recovered? It means there was no robbery. I was jailed for nothing. Point of correction, I was not convicted for robbery.

Baba: Do all robbers carry arms? I can’t blame you since the bank accounts were not frozen. You didn’t stay in the cooler long enough, otherwise you would have left the prison at nightfall, to conceal disgrace, rather than allow a mammoth crowd to welcome you.

I read that Madam Sea Bank was allegedly released last month and ‘nobody’ knew about it. She did not carry out a bonfire celebration outside the prison and a church service. In the days of yore, someone said ex-convicts used to move to other states to hide themselves. Eko boy, you have changed all that! Bravo!
Eko for show!

Eko Boy: (Silence)

Eko Boy could hear the chorus of the song Ki Oloriburuku Enia Ma Ko Ba E (May a person with bad luck not put you in trouble) by Chief Ebenezer Obey, in the background of Baba’s voice. Baba prefers to listen to music and talk with him at the same time. Baba is very angry indeed.

Baba: You said I am jealous of your loot. Who are you? Even the Governor of Juju State has begged me for forgiveness. Go and read today's newspapers. Maje ki’pidan fun e o. (Don’t let me deal with you in a diabolical manner.) You are a former sailor who wants a fisherman from the Delta Region to hand over power to you in 2015. E ti po to! (Both of you are not powerful enough to challenge me to a duel.)

Was that why the fisherman said he will not contest in 2015? So that’s the master plan! Do you think the Northerners are fools? They also have their own master plan. Do you see Northerners doing odd jobs in Europe? They would rather remain 'uneducated' in Nigeria as bosses of bureaux de change.

Eko Boy: I thought we were birds of the same (kind of) feathers.

Baba: My feathers have never been the same as yours. Don’t crucify my character. You better see your optician for new glasses. Look, don’t annoy me o. You have put me in enough trouble already. I shouldn’t have attended your special thanksgiving church service.

Eko Boy: You cannot deny me now! Are we not in the same party?

Baba: A kii bara eni tan, ki a fa ara eni ni itan ya o. (Your closeness to me does not mean that you should literally wound me in the thigh and vice-versa.)

Eko Boy: Olorun maje, (God forbid).

Baba: You kept on blabbing that people are calling you an ex-convict. Agba to mo itiju ki fi ole sere. (An elder that is conversant with the shameful aftermath of theft would not steal.) Are you not an ex-convict, Tewonde?

Eko Boy: I should be called Ewondamilare (prison sentence has vindicated me).

Baba: Odigba (Till we meet again).

Eko Boy: Odabo (Bye-bye).

No Debate, No Vote


President Goodluck Jonathan: Photograph by AP/Jose Luis Magana

Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan has refused to take part in political debates and the upcoming presidential election is on April 9. What kind of president is he? He knows that the masses are only needed for votes and nothing more. Should voters be taken for granted?

He is confident of winning the election that is why he frowns at debates. Why should he work hard for votes when he has never worked hard for a position in his life? He was always in the right place at the right time. He 'must' be a very lucky man. He is not a very powerful orator and he is aware of it. Why not hire reputable Spin Doctors? Would debating with his rivals ‘finish’ him politically? What is he afraid of?

Some senseless things only happen in countries like Nigeria. Jonathan cannot say he is truly democratic if he cannot face his opponents. A competent politician would welcome political debates. Voters should not vote for any presidential candidate that refuses to engage in a political debate. It is as simple as ABC…

He promised to provide constant power supply by 2015. Does that make sense to you? He should be told that he was not talking to nincompoops. Why should Nigerians wait until 2015 if other candidates could provide stable electricity supply at a shorter period? It is obvious that he does not have much to offer; that is why he is likely to be flawed at debate venues. With good luck, he may still remain in power. Oh Gosh!

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