Aso Rock Comedy 2013 (Part 2)

By Princess Tanimola

My people, I am ill and recuperating on another adventure in the higher realms with Baba God, the giver and taker of life. As reported, I am out of the country for medical reasons. Can somebody help me to warn the spin doctors not to tell fat lies on my absence this time around? My life is more than a spin. Liars should think of hellfire. Telling lies that I am hale and hearty is a 'sin'.

I want Baba God to give me a third chance. I hope to come back and demand a fatter kitchen budget at Aso Rock Presidential Villa. As for those complaining about my N4 Billion plan to build a Mission House, I hope to find sponsors to build a Food Palace for Widows and deserted children. After all, I am the foremost ‘widow’ in the country.

My advisers failed to advice me to spend the whooping N4 Billion on hospital equipments so that I would not have to travel around the world in search of medical cure. We have the expertise but lack infrastructural development.

Dubai Wedding

People should stop blaming me jor! At least, I did not got give Afro hip-hop star Tuface and Annie two jeeps (brand new Toyota Prado SUVs) as wedding gifts like Governor Godswill Akpabio, who is the richest Governor in Africa when it comes to freebies. In fact, poor Akwa Ibom people in the diaspora are waiting for their free cars too. Akpabio also sponsored Tuface’s family to the Dubai wedding while the masses were suffering in Akwa Ibom State. Tuface is not poor and could afford to buy all the gifts. No wonder, the Senate President suddenly denied giving the couple a N47 Million Ferari car as a wedding gift. Has he sent his henchmen to retrieve the ferari? Abi na boju boju? Where the masquerade will not appear.

I cannot blame Tuface and Annie Idibia for having a Dubai wedding because armed robbers recently sent a robbery notice to people living at Ijeshatedo in Lagos although Tuface was running from his aggrieved baby mamas. Nobody wants to be kidnapped on his or her wedding day with guests’ et al. It is obvious that some corrupt police officers back robbers. The great police spin at Ikeja Police College is evident that most police officers were not properly trained and earn low wages. That is not my problem. I live inside Aso Rock. No robber would bother me unless he is ready to die. Armed robbers who try to send a notice to Aso Rock would be planning to commit suicide.

My Oga at the Top

Lagos State NSCDC Commandant Obafaiye Shem is now an 'essential commodity'. 7UP should 'pay' him for using ‘My Oga at the Top’ as a selling strategy via advertisements. 'My Oga at the Top' is now a brand, thanks to Shem’s blunder on Channels TV. It is up to Channels TV to fight for its own share and also lobby for advertisement slots. That is not of my business.

I noticed a movie title, ‘Oga on Top’ starring Nkem Owoh aka Osuofia in London. When I am discharged from hospital, I hope to watch it. I cannot afford to laugh at the moment. In fact, Obafaiye Shem had three ‘defenders’, namely Pa Ikhide, Charly Boy and Rugged Man. They blamed Channels TV for embarrassing ‘My Oga at the Top’. A columnist and controversial book critic Ikhide Ikheloa aka Pa Ikhide (Twitter: Ikhide @ikhide) wrote a balanced blog post on the issue by ‘highlighting’ the blunder of 'My Oga at the Top' in Shem and most of us.

Could I have done better than Mr Shem? Ok, ask me what my official website is? I think it is www.nigeria.ebaandbushmeat.com. Yes, I don try ooo. Abeg leave me alone jor. I stored it on my phone, it is http://www.nigeriafirst.org/firstlady.shtml Anyway, It is a webpage and not a website therefore I did not fail. Happy Easter! I am not happy here. I will miss the Aso Rock Easter Party with goat head peri-peri and champagne et al, as the hostess.

The Oga at the Top in us
My Oga At The Top, Now A Selling
Armed robbers serve Lagos residents notice
David Mark denies buying Tuface, Annie N47m Ferari car
Akpabio Defends Controversial Wedding Gifts To Tuface

She was a young entrepreneur like him. They were madly in love. It was obvious that their union could have transpired into bigger businesses and marriage. Unfortunately, his extended family did not like her and decided to inflict their cultural practices on her. Her Nigerian tribe was different from theirs. Their cross-cultural differences torn them apart in a country with over 250 ethnic groups.

She requested to see me and when I saw her, it was evident that she had shed a lot of tears and was suffering from ‘heartache’. As she spoke, tears hung on the corners of her eyes. Her boyfriend's mother and sisters embarrassed her in front of her assistant and guests. They said she had to do the washing. She decided to walk away instead.

I blamed her for not telling me that she would be attending such a party because I would have told her what to expect and how to overcome such problems. What her boyfriend’s family did not know was the fact that she was a spoilt billionaire's daughter. Nobody had ever forced her to wash dishes in her life.

Even when she was an undergraduate, she had assistants to assist her. She knew how to wash dishes but to force her to wash all the dishes used at the party was pathetic although their culture permitted it. They wanted to control her and that was the only way to do it. The emotionally damage was already done and she knew she could no longer marry him. She was deeply hurt and had to call off the affair. She moved on with her life and later married a man from her tribe.

Ever disappointment is a blessing in disguise. The guy was alright but she would have gone through series of hell with his tough mother and wicked sisters if she had married him. I once paid a visit to a woman in hospital after she was severely bitten on her boobs by her mother-in-law in a free-for-all family fight. I could not believe what I saw. It was horrendous.

A long time ago, a young married woman (Mrs X) requested to see me. She had a confession to make. She influenced her twin brother to marry a girl she liked. He dumped his girlfriend for the girl his sister liked in their church. Mrs X noticed that the girl changed within six months after the wedding.

The girl was dark skinned and later transformed into a fair skinned woman by bleaching her skin. She used to wear long boring skirts which she discarded for micro-mini skirts. Mrs X got angry and wanted to interfere in her brother’s marriage. She wished he had married his ex girlfriend instead.

I could not tell Mrs X some home truths especially as her children fell ill for some time. According to Mrs X, it was after a powerful prayer session in church that her kids vomited some strange objects that I would not like to disclose. The pastor refrained from telling Mrs X what really happened to the kids so why should I?

Mrs X had a bad temper, if she knew her brother’s wife was spiritually behind it, she would confront her openly and make the matter worse without evidence. I had to keep mute. I told her she should apologise to her brother’s ex girlfriend for disrupting a loving relationship. By the look on her face, it was obvious that she was not ready to tender an apology since the ex girlfriend was unaware of what she did. She said she thought that his wife was better than his ex at the time but she was 100% wrong. Controlling her twin brother backfired!

You should know the type of family that you have. If you can predict that they will not accept the person you are interested in, it maybe better to embark on a secret affair. No wonder some people prefer to marry secretly. Can you really blame them? After all, what people do not know may not hurt them.

A Yoruba Proverb says, ‘a bad wife is manageable but not a bad in-law’. You may not know how lucky you are if you have a family that does not interfere in your affairs. Nevertheless, some affairs never start because of severe friends or family interference.