By Matthew Mahmood
Dear Dohyen,
Thanks for sending me a get well card aka genesungskarte. Here, they keep telling me, Sie werden bald gesund sein, which means ‘You’ll soon get well’. I hope so! I expected to see a fierce "attack dog" e-card instead of a ‘toothless’ dog. I hope the opposition, and social media critics have not removed your teeth. When was the last time that you barked or bullied them?
My fellow widows sent me a ginormous card. I’m yet to receive a gigantic card from my widower although he paid me a brief visit in the hospital, and gave me romantic flowers. Please, tell my childrens that I love them very much. It was not my fault that the Presidency budgeted N1 billion for food in a year. I want all the hungry people to forgive me since nobody can carry food to heaven. Maybe the Presidency should have removed N160 million from the food budget, and deposited N1 million into the bank account of every citizen. After all, it was a well organized food inflation. Now, the House of Representatives is plotting to impeach my husband because of slow implementation of the budget.
Who would see food in abundance, and run away in Africa? Dohyen, would you? Who would avoid daily pepper soup which consists of either fresh fish, leg of lamb, pork belly, chicken or 'orisirisi' aka assorted meat? ‘Kain-kain’ is not only for local sailors and riverside people because we have a ship-shaped kitchen in the villa. We graduated from ‘kain-kain’ to vodka after the budget was passed by the National Assembly. Spring water, fresh juice, beer, wine, and champagne are for the guests.
Although, I thought that I was poisoned in the Middle East, I’m beginning to think that the cassava bread may have done me in. Even late Natural Health Practitioner Elizabeth Kafaru strongly suggested that women prone to fibroid like me should desist from eating cassava e.g., ‘gari’. Whoever introduced the cassava spin or PR gimmick, and cassava punchlines should resign immediately. I should not return, and meet the person in office. Cassava contains poisonous substances or toxic compounds which should be removed before consumption.
Still on poison, why did the State Security Service and National Intelligence Agency fail to warn me of my frequent trips to that famous Middle Eastern city? Was I so stubborn? I don’t have time to read newspapers or watch the news due to my tight schedule. I did not know that a widely reported ‘hotel room’ assassination took place there in 2010. 
I’ve heard the conspiracy theory that I was too greedy to hold two positions at once. They cannot bully me into submission. I am told that if I could resign from my hospital bed in Germany, I may get better rapidly, but that is mumbo jumbo. The State House of Assembly, and the National Assembly did not debate or frown at my ‘new’ job. Some people are jealous of me. Evildoers should leave me alone, so that I can look after my childrens. They should direct their Voodoo curses to the legislators who allowed me to be appointed in the first instance.
A few superstitious people told me that some of our predecessors buried strange things in the villa. They think it is linked to a jinx that kills the wife, husband or members of the family. Can these caricatures and skeletons be exhumed in order to break the jinx? As you can see, I do not have the 'third eye' or inner eye, but I have suffered from terrible nightmares. Some innocent people were probably mummified.
On the issue of rivals, I have no rival. Nobody is perfect. Regardless of my faults, I made that shoeless leader what he is today. As they say, behind every successful man there must be a womens.
If God can heal me, I shall devote the rest of my unelected tenure to childrens as the mother of the nation. I love childrens because they are the leaders of tomorrow. My predecessor was supposed to build an International Cancer Centre with N10 billion, but we are fighting over the same land. I shall build a free Children’s Hospital. I would also try to keep away from Lagoon State since my recent visits have led to one disaster or another. Pray for me! Amen?
Yours truly,
Force Lady.
