By Danielle Lobito
Nigeria Labour Congress: A previous rally against fuel price increment
In the 70s, a professor travelled to London. It was his first trip to London. When he got to Heathrow airport, he noticed that the people who came to welcome him were laughing at him. He did not bother to ask them the reason why, and they did not tell him either. A few days later, he realised that he had committed a big blunder by wearing a dressing gown to London. The professor was ignorant, and regretted the shameful occurrence.
Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan holds a PhD in Zoology. He recently claimed to be the most criticized President in the world, and literally mopped tears. He does not want to be criticized. Three of his spin doctors have made it clear by bullying critics. Critics were also showered with abuses. On NTA news, the Special Adviser on Media and Political Matters Ahmed Gulak did a U-turn by saying that Jonathan now welcomes constructive criticism. A few days earlier, Gulak lambasted Second Republic lawmaker Dr. Junaid Mohammed for criticizing Jonathan. ‘Gulak described Mohammed has having ‘diarrhoea of the mouth’. Gulak is just as bad as other special advisers like Reuben Abati, who crowned himself as ‘Mr Alaseju’, and physician Doyin Okupe, the doyen of ‘animal spin’ who called himself Jonathan’s “attack lion”. Their ‘junkyard dog’ bullying tactics looked like The Hound of the Baskervilles. Like their incompetent boss, the three bullies' advisers have not achieved anything in office apart from tomfoolery. When would Jonathan stop whinging and bickering? When would he keep his ‘junkyard dogs’ at bay?
How does Jonathan think? He thinks people are picking on him. He was not trained to govern Nigeria, and got the party ticket on a platter of gold. His former boss, late President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua was criticized throughout his tenure as a President, regardless of the fact that he suffered from ill health. Jonathan probably thinks his job is to sit down in Aso Rock like a statue, and do whatever he likes. According to Abati, Jonathan does not drink ‘kain-kain’ (unrefined gin), but wine is available as if the type of wine were non-alcoholic. Is it not like saying that the President has stopped having s*x? Who cares whether he drinks vodka or local African beer called ‘burukutu’? They want the electorate to shut up, leave him alone, and allow him to ruin their life throughout his tenure until 2015.
The Jonathan family thought that most Nigerians were fools. Otherwise, why would a President allow a government stooge to appoint his wife as a Permanent Secretary in Bayelsa State, his state of shoeless origin? Jonathan is the former Governor of Bayelsa State. Mrs Patience Faka Jonathan carries out her duties from the Presidential Villa in Aso Rock. She is free to sit on the toilet, email messages to her colleagues, and be paid for doing nothing. The Jonathans assume that they are smart. We know that Mrs Jonathan has a political ambition in 2015, and her job as a Permanent Secretary would be her excuse to contest the presidential election, if most Nigerians are caught unaware. It is obvious that her husband can never be re-elected for lack of performance in office. Mrs Jonathan is also eyeing Bayelsa State as State Governor or the National Assembly… That was why her husband gave a nod for female presidential candidates in 2015.
Jonathan says by 2013, we will see his good deeds. Of course, by 2013, some Nigerians would be dead due to abject poverty, bad roads that lead to graveyards, lack of specialist hospitals, equipments, and centralized portable water yet the masses are forced to pay taxes.
Just as most electricity blackouts decreased, the Minister of Power, Professor Barth Nnaji threw in the towel. Unlike the President, he will be remembered for accepting a lot of criticism. Most Nigerians don’t want to know whether he was involved in alleged shady deals, at least he improved the generation of electricity before he ran away. Nnaji gave them light, and took them out of constant darkness. Nnaji knew the real owners of some incoming energy providers used as 'fronts' by people in high places. We would not be surprised if “Umblerra” Power Holding, Creek Terror Electric or AK-47 Energy later takes off their masks.
Nigerians enjoyed 'The Comedy of Errors' in First Lady Patience Jonathan’s speeches, from “"Umblerra” to "My Fellow Widows" etc. Like the 70s professor who went to London in a dressing gown, Mrs Jonathan did not know that women whose husbands have died are classified as widows. The widows she went to address giggled silently. They later gossiped among themselves, and wondered if Mrs Jonathan formerly married a man that died before she married the President. Some of them wondered if the President was actually a ghost. They dared not ask her such a ‘nincompoopish’ question. All they needed was the ‘widow’s mite’ from a woman who ignorantly claimed to be a widow. The latest controversy is whether she is a Dame or not because her native name is allegedly Damenebi. Rather than offer credible explanation through her spinmeister, she may accuse the social media of attacking her again. The Jonathans are very sensitive, and must be accorded due respect. They don’t know that Aso Rock is not for the lily-livered, and local champions, but for men and women of honour. They complained about Boko Haram terrorists while they invested in former oil bandits and terrorists in the Niger Delta. Nevertheless, they are likely to be swindled by fake lobbyists who have promised to help them stop Boko Haram.
The Jonathans are fond of using sycophants like one of the wives of acclaimed freedom fighter Mujahid Asari Dokubo to attack their phantom enemies. Mujahidat Daba Asari Dokubo, a woman who was rejoicing her husband’s received donation, and contract from the Federal Government said that people who disagree with such freebies e.g., $40 million to ex-militants annually with $5.6 billion shared contracts are insane.
Like the 70s professor, Mujahidat is ignorant and assumes that everybody must live a life of crime in order to clime the ladder, and accept criminals as celebrities of the creek. She does not understand that psychiatric test results can prove that people are insane or not. She lives in a cocoon of darkness like the occupants of Aso Rock, who cannot see that the masses are suffering, and need a share of the national cake. Their defence is that oil from the Niger Delta belongs to them. Nigeria is a country that lacks equality law therefore it is easy to take the masses for a ride. Mujahidat’s errors are laughable and made us wonder if we had jumped from “Umblerra” speeches to AK-47 politics because these half baked women are lovely 'comediennes' in their own right.
Like her “Umblerra” mentor, Mujahidat claims to be a teacher cum business woman. She should enrol on English for Speakers of Other Languages (ESOL) course online rather than waste her time on Facebook, and ‘ghetto English’. English for Wives of Criminals of Other Languages (EWCOL) may even be formulated for her et al because too much money can do wonderful things.
The first and last time that we came across Mujahidat’s husband, Mujahidat was not his wife. The woman who won his heart at the time was intelligent, and strikingly beautiful. In fact, he was proud of her. How he ended up with a woman with a ‘tongue of lava’ is baffling, like the Nollywood film, Tongues of Fire starring Hilda Dokubo, Rachael Oniga, and Amaechi Mounagor.
The likes of Mujahidat are now creek celebrities because the Jonathans have buttered their bread. With so many problems facing Nigerians in Nigeria, we wonder if President Jonathan’s mind is not trapped in the Dark Ages like the 70s professor who went to London in a dressing gown. At least the professor wore leather shoes; if Dr Jonathan had travelled overseas during that era, he would ‘have’ arrived in London without shoes.
