1st Lady Bans Beauty Queen 
By Danielle Lobito
Ifeoma Boniface, the current Miss Africana was recently banned from Aso Villa just like Hillary Clinton banned Barbra Streisand from 'overnight stays' in the White House, during the tenure of Bill Clinton as the President of the United States.
Miss Africana’s tall, slender frame and vital statistics (38-22-36) got the First Lady angry. The First Lady became suspicious as soon as the First Lord’s phone ringtone changed to Ifeoma by Felix Liberty and he was caught paying too much attention to Miss Africana before going weak at the knees.
First Lord claimed that it was important for Miss Africana to join his presidential tour around the country just as Barbra Streisand helped with the Clinton campaign. Moreover, former President Clinton is presently in Nigeria.
Miss Africana was bundled out of Aso Villa around 2.am by armed security guards. Her selection of chaperones and 'hangers-on' were also thrown out. The First Lady was heard screeching, “Good riddance to Ashewo rubbish. I dey campaign all over the country for voters to vote for ‘umbrella party' and this man dey do '38-22-36' body campaign. He is not serious at all. I don campaign no bi small. My bodi dey pain mi.
“Look, I am not diplomatic like Mrs Clinton ooo. If I find any Lewinsky near my husband’s office, I go beat the hell out of am. I fit break bones sef. Where were they when I dey drink gari and chew bonga fish?”
The beauty queen saga led to the dismissal of Mr Lazarus Ike Collins and Mr Tobias Chukwudi from Aso Villa. The First Lady sacked them after they were accused of smuggling Miss Africana into the Villa in the first instance. The duo ran the posh Upper Villa restaurant after years of been unemployed graduates in their remote villages.
Collins and Chukwudi begged the First Lady for forgiveness but she smiled and said, “Beg me for what? You went to bring Miss ‘38-22-36’ so that I could be driven back to Okrika after the presidential election. You both failed! I will remain the First lady, no '38-22-36’ can replace me. In fact, if my enemies are not careful I may make history with twins or triplets in office.
“That was how that columnist said my body weight no bi small. Him pen too long for him mouth. Whether I sabi Oyinbo or not, dat na una 'bizniss'. You both went around laughing at my speeches. I gave both of you a chance and you blew it away. You better go and start selling groundnut oil and kulikuli, nonsense!”
Important Fitness Events: March – May 2011
By Matthew Mahmood (fitness instructor)
Mon 28th March – Fri 20th May
Monday – Friday (7.00am – 8.00am) Special Aso Villa jogging session with the 1st Lady.
Venue: Upper Villa Sports Complex
Theme: ‘Remove Umblerra Fat’
Prize Draw: Beat the flab competition deadline May 20.
1st prize: £1000
2nd Prize: £500
3rd Prize: Obudu Mountain Resort; Romantic weekend for two
*Must have lost a stone by May 20 to claim a prize.
*No cheating with laxatives on weighing days.
*See your GP before joining the vigorous jogging programme because we 'cannot' not be held responsible for fainting session or heart attack!
*Don’t forget that our hospitals lack modern facilities and some doctors are on 'strike'. If possible, come with your standby physician a la standby generator.
