House of Tongues: The Dishonourable Fists of Fury

Doris Uboh manhandled by sergeants: NAN photo
If you want to become a lawmaker in Nigeria, you may be better off by taking karate and kung fu lessons. If you cannot defend yourself it could lead to your untimely death. If you are not physically fit you better not contest. During the Ettehgate saga of 2007, Honourable Aminu Safana from Katsina State was rushed to the hospital and died after a fracas on the floor of the Federal House of Representatives.
Last Tuesday, the House displayed a dishonourable free for all fight. According to media reports, some of the 11 progressives that initially gave the Speaker Dimeji Bankole a 7-Day ultimatum to resign were battered and bundled out of the lower house of the National Assembly. The leader of the progressives Hon. Dino Melaye was ruffled and his top was torn by Bankole's supporters.
The Progressives levelled allegations of N9 billion fraudulent malpractices against the House including the speaker and were suspended indefinitely before the fight. They are suspended for “ …failing to adhere to the provisions of the Legislative Houses [Power and Privileges Act, Code of Conduct for honourable members and the Rules of the House, in stating their grievances and for taking their matter to the public domain with the view to maliciously bring the image of the House into disrepute…”
The way Hon. Doris Uboh was overpowered and dragged out by the Sergeants-at-Arms of the lower house was dreadful. Hon. Chinyere Igwe’s arm was reportedly broken after a fight with Hon. Austin Nwachukwu. Thank God that nobody died in the brawl of ‘madness’.
It now looks like a method to silence the progressives until the next election which means that most of them may never return to the House. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission has shown a 'deep' interest in the allegations and intends to set up a panel of inquiry. Speaker Bankole should stop using the media to forward 'sound bites' of innocence and allow a thorough investigation.
What was more annoying about the National Assembly is the fact that the masses are living in penury while most legislators refused to truly represent their constituencies but enrich themselves. All federal legislators are millionaires because they are paid in millions.
Recently, the legislators in the upper and lower houses asked for 100% pay rise. Where is such senselessness done worldwide if not in Nigeria? The government of several countries are looking for ways to trim their budgets while the Nigerian lawmakers are 'plotting' more money for themselves.

Pidgin Comedy…

The 50th Anniversary and Mrs Pay-chance Joe-not-on

I beg eee, make una leave us alone o. Na only me and my lovely husband milk Naija dry? Mrs Yar’Odua ‘embezzled’ billions for massive hospital fund. Nobody probe am… Leave me alone oooooooooooooooooooo.
Dem say I do money laundering one time. Well, I no do ‘Yahoo Yahoo’ and 419. I thank God o. Na envy dey worry dem o. Na hunger dey bite dem. When I dey suffer I no see Naija o.
Now dat God done butter my bread dem wan finish me. Wetin bi dat King Sunny Ade song again? No bi mi dem say she chop, na craze dem dey craze… No bi mi dem say she chop, na lie dem dey lie…
We wan celebrate Naija. We wan do our 50th independence anniversary. The bash go cost us N10 billion and N50 million 'will' be given to me to play my part as the ‘first lay-dee’. Sho! Dat na small money o, out of N10 billion. Dey for give me N1 billion now. I go send my husband to Coventry for dat small amount o. I bi woman now, I no bi small girl o.
If to say dey give me N1 billion, I for get shoe designer Stuart Weitzman and jeweler Kwiat to design a pair of shoes for me with Naija flag, diamonds and peridots and it may cost $1 million. The one dem design for Dream Girls actress Anika Noni Rose cost $500,000 with diamonds. I be 'first lay-dee' no bi actress. Anika Noni Rose is also known as ‘the other one’ but I go bi the only one on that day o. Well, I no get much money. I for buy the £2 million kicks dat dey designed in 2009. Have a look below. I don save money ke. My rivals go see wen… Dem get husbands but na my sweet banana dem wan chop; na my lollipop dem wan su*k.

Fashanu: Come Dine With Me

I giggled while watching Come Dine With me: Footballers Special on Channel 4 with John Fashanu, Frank Worthington, Neil Ruddock and Carlton Palmer. Palmer won the competition as the best cook. Fashanu's prawn cocktail was excellent. I also liked his chocolate mousse but disliked the look of his shepherds’ pie.

Two out of three guests thought it was awful. Are you laughing? It was called a disaster… Maybe Fash should have cooked nice African jollof rice or fried rice with Jamaican jerk chicken or spicy ribs since a considerable lot of Britons now eat rice once in a while.

They all made funny comments behind one another’s back. Fashanu is a British Yoruba man. I don’t know if he can cook Yoruba food but he made Come Dine With Me series more exciting. His father was from 'Ibadan in Oyo State' so can Fashanu prepare amala? Some UK based Nigerian kids call amala the black object. According to Wikipedia, Fashanu is partly of Guyanese descent.